Every fog, every rain, every thunder
On this road, seems like it will never end
So I stray and I wonder, I don't want to crash again
And you say, some things never get better
Some roads never get right
Sometimes people need more than what't inside
And I know, that you center me

Then one day, I'm the life of the party
I'm the real thing, I'm your everything
Then I fall from the grace, from the glory
I lose all my faith again
And you say nothings going to be perfect
Perfects all in your mind
And all these demons I can't give up this fight
And I know, that you center me.

When I lose my way, when anger fills my soul
When I get to high on myself
And when it gets too cold
Oh I know, you'll bring me back to life
Oh I know, you'll make it seem alright
And I know, You center me.

- You Center Me, Robin Thicke

I started reading, well more like listening, to the audio cd for this book called The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. Since I don't have much time to do some leisure reading, my friend recommended listening to the audio cd of the book. It's funny because I don't usually read self-help books because it sounds like people who read it have serious issues in life haha but it's actually a pretty good book so far. I listen to it during my drive to or from work. One interesting point that the author talks about is the idea that people can blame anything/everything other than themselves for how they feel. For example, we get angry/stressed/sad because of school, work, family, friends, etc. We blame those things for making us feel the way we do because we don't want to be responsible for our problems. We blame it on other things so we can say that we cannot do anything about it because the problem isn't us. But the author says that THAT is the problem. We think we're not responsible for feeling this way, but we are. That when we blame our anger, stress, sadness on other factors, we let these things control our lives. We let external sources control the way we feel, instead of having control of our own emotions or feelings ourselves. He says we should change our outlook on these issues and start from within ourselves in order to see what the root of the problem is. That in order to feel the way we want to feel, to be happy and content, that we should realize what is it inside us that is keeping us from feeling this way. Look at oneself and look at these issues in a more positive light so that we ourselves could have control over our own self. "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." I know, easier said than done. He goes deeper into it but I don't wanna bore you with this. I just thought it was interesting.

I wish I had more time to read books for fun. I have a couple books I bought a long time ago and I still haven't read them it's sad.

I haven't been the best in being a friend lately. I've been trying to get in the habit getting enough sleep and excercise which feels great, but I feel like I don't have time for anything else. I am going on grandma status haha. Although, I wish I could also say that I've been focusing on my class, studying hard, blahblahblah. But I'm not haha. Which means I have to step it up because I have a test on Tuesday, a project due in a week, and finals are just around the corner. Oh the joys of being a working student.

I can't believe it's almost a year since I graduated. I feel like not much has happened since then. My cousin asked me if i miss college and if I wanna go back. I told her that I do miss it. But I dunno if I wanna go back. There's no doubt that it was an awesome experience, but I think where I'm at right now at this point in my life is good. This is where I want to be and it can be frustrating at times, but it's a great feeling to be able to plan bigger and better things that lie ahead of me.

I just wanna give a shout out to cousin Linds who was so cool to give my blog a makeover! I likes! Thanks ins! I lab it!

Now this motivates me to blog more. Haha. Actually, we'll see about that haha. Okai time to start my day the right way. Peace!

I had this bruise a while back. It was a huge one on my right arm. It was so big it looked like someone beat me up haha. Good thing my sleeve would cover it up so no one can see how bad it looked. It was kinda annoying because it took a while for it to completely heal. And when it did, well, it wasn't completely healed. I mean it did. But until now, you can still kinda see a mark on my arm. I just noticed that.

So okay, I'm not in love with my job as some people put it haha. My last post was my effort to stay as positive as possible because it was stressing me out so much. I needed to convince myself that I was there because I want to be there. Yes, it's a struggle, but who said it was gonna be easy right?

E4L was awesome as usual. I love these ladies from the bottom of my heart.

I saw Wicked with the bestest! I was in awe. Man, I wish my life bust out into song once in a while. Thanks roomie for the awesome present!

Since vagueness seems to be thing "thing to do" these days, here's my share:

I broke my promise to myself. I had three in a row. Shit.

I guess I don't love your smile that much haha.

Because I still love bad boys? Haha.

Just kidding. I have more important things to think about. Really.

I'm trying to be nice. Really. I'm trying really hard.

Consistency is all I'm asking for.

Am I the bigger person here or the stupid one?

I guess you have redeemed yourself. Actually, you didn't have to. You're always there when I need you. I hope you know I got your back too.

Okai, I'm gonna stop right here because I don't think anyone would really understand anything I'd put in here so there.

So I feel bad for never being home as much as my parents want me to be. Okai, I feel bad a little bit. But can you blame me if I'm at work most of the week, in class at night, and I want to spend my weekends hanging out with friends who I don't see that much? No! You can't! So there, I don't feel that bad for not being at home as much. Hmphf.

I can be the biggest brat in the world and my mom would put up with my bratty-ness somehow. I'm a horrible person.

David, you need to whore-ify yourself and you'll achieve great things. Look at me.

I miss you all =(.

I'm tired but I can't sleep. I hate that feeling.

I'm praying for you always.

Have an awesome week everyone!

I'm in a new relationship. It started out just the way it's supposed to, fun and interesting. It's the kind where I wake up every morning looking forward to spending my time and investing energy in it because it's something new and exciting. I can't get enough of it that it's almost addicting. I told myself that this is a start of something good. I want it to work. I want it to last. Inevitably, after a couple of months, I noticed some changes. Good changes, bad changes. Of course, I noticed more of the bad. Things started getting a little more difficult to understand, it wasn't as fun as it was in the beginning, and instead of being excited about learning something new everyday, I dreaded it. I was ready to give up. As usual. Same cycle once again. I ask myself why I always end up in this situation. Why does it always seem like once I'm up at the highest point, there's nowhere else to go but down. And once I'm down, I don't seem to make an effort to get up. So I run away, scared that I will be in that hole forever. It's ironic how much I fear I won't measure up to what is expected of me, when the expectations that I'm trying to meet are simply my own. I tried to toughen up, tried to ignore the real issues, and hoped it'll miraculously get better. Naturally, it didn't. It was at a point where I felt sick to my stomach just thinking about it. It was not the way I want to live my life. And so I knew it was time I stopped the ugly cycle. It was time to see what was weighing me down. It was time to see the good. It wasn't too long after that when I realized how much there is to appreciate in this relationship. It has definitely been the one thing that has kept me going all this time. It's been the constant thing in my life that I truly care about. I've lost sight of the fact that this has been what I've been wanting all my life; the experience of being considered as an important part of something great. I've forgotten how much I've sacrificed to get to where I am now. I finally realized that I am truly blessed to be part of something that I will spend the rest of my life trying to give my best in all that I do, not because I have to but because I want to. I'm in this relationship because I want to be. And I will do whatever it takes for me to finally say that I'm glad I've taken on this position because I am good at it and I enjoy doing it. It is a love-hate relationship, but despite the bad days (because there will always be bad days) I could honestly say that there are moments when I could just proclaim to the whole world how much I love my job.

Thanks for all the birthday greetings I am forever grateful for each and everyone one of you! Even though it seemed like my day was just like any other because of work and class, your birthday wishes made it more special. I love you all!

Before anything else...HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAD! Even though you don't read this, you deserve a shout out haha. Okai neways...

So, I'm officially in the grown up world. Sort of. I'm working full-time at a hospital in west l.a. in the accounting department. That means, waking up at 6am, Monday-Friday, so I could get to work at 8am, and leave around 5pm. I had a part-time job at the mall for a little bit but I couldn't stand working in retail in an only-rich-people-could-afford-to-shop-here-mall because prissy customers just don't help when they look at you like you're some "commoner" haha. Ionow. Wutver I'm over it.

This might sound a little nerdy, but I really enjoy what I do at work. I mean yeah, how exciting can accounting be, but I guess it's the fact that I'm part of something where what I do is important and not overlooked. It's a little overwhelming sometimes when I realize how much one simple mistake in my job could cause major problems, but it makes me want to work harder and to care about what I do.

I apologize to anyone who I haven't seen/talked to/acknowledged(haha) ever since I started working. I was so caught up with working so much (40 hours at my full-time and almost 20 hours at the part-time job which equals almost 60 hours of work each week) that I seriously didn't have time for anything/anyone. I didn't really realize how I was trying to kill myself by working that much.

I was so distracted by work that I never really had the chance to breathe and think about anything else. It sucks when you forget about everything else that matters in your life. It made me really sad when I thought about all my friends that I haven't seen or hung out with. It sucks even more when I feel like I'm slowly being phased out because I haven't been around. I feel like I'm really not part of anything anymore except work. And that scares me. I'm scared to hang out again because it's been a while since I've done that and I already know that I'd feel like the outsider who doesn't know the inside jokes. It's such a horrible thing to feel like I'm being punished for choosing to move on with my life.

I'm not being emo. I'm actually content with my life right now. I just really miss my life before this whole grown up thing happened.

Newaysss, I agree with roommate about spending money on loved ones. I worked a lot because I wanted to give the people who I care about the most the awesomest presents this Christmas. I absolutely enjoy giving people the presents that they want and see the smile on their faces when they open it.

I've been thinking a lot about my future lately. It kinda scares me to not be able to predict where I would be in a couple years. I guess I'm the type of person who has to know exactly where I'm headed. I absolutely have to have a direction or else I'm screwed. But then someone made me realize that, if I always worry about what's gonna happen tomorrow, then I'm gonna completely miss out on all the good things that happen today. So don't worry about what's to come until you absolutely have to. It'll make you happier and younger. Haha I sound like a friggin grandma.

Have a safe happy new year my babies.

People fall down. It doesn't matter how careful they are with each step they take. They are all bound to fall down. People hold their heads up high, afraid that everyone will see the defeat they feel deep inside. No one ever wants to be vulnerable in the eyes of others. It's funny how people try so hard to be humble, yet they hold so much pride in pretending they're okay, that they don't need anyone to pick them up when they're too far down to get back up.

I fall down. It doesn't matter how careful I am with each step I take. I am bound to fall down. I hold my head up high, afraid that everyone will see the defeat I feel deep inside. I don't ever want to be vulnerable in the eyes of others. It's funny how I try so hard to be humble, yet I hold so much pride in pretending I'm okay, that I don't need anyone to pick me up when I'm too far down to get back up.

Luckily, there are people who are there to pick you up. They're the one's who have been there since the beginning. Maybe not all the time, but during the times that mattered. You can try and push them away until it hurts, but they won't let you do that. They won't ever let you hurt.

So you give in while losing all your energy in shutting them out. You let go of all your anger and frustrations. You let go of all that is negative. And in the end, all you have left is hope.

I fall down, but I get back up. No, I can't do it on my own, but I can do it with you. Thank YOU.

I'm glad I did not and will never go through it alone.

Thank you for all the prayers. All my prayers have been answered =).

This poem was written by the beautiful women of WYSE (Women and Youth Supporting Each Other) during my last year as a mentor. All the mentors got a framed copy of it and it's sitting next to my tv in my room. I just wanted to share it because I'm feeling a little inspired.

_____________________________________________

Strength

lies in her eyes
behind the tears she cries
in the injustice she defies
and without asking why
she makes that sacrifice
by her own device
makes the world look twice
and under her wing strengthen ties
uplifting others with the hope she provides
she and many others touch millions of lives
their strength we seek to emulate
we are the women of wyse

______________________________________________


So I've really, really, really been wanting to get cute colorful rainboots since last year but I think I didn't get them because the rainy season was almost over when I thought about getting them. Just a random thought. I've also been bugging my parents to get a dog. I've been wanting to get one since I can't even remember but I couldn't get one because I was way too busy and poor haha. But now, I'm at home so it's easier to have one. I either wanted a yorkie or a maltese because they're so weetle yes they are they're so very weetle *in a baby voice* haha.

I'm in love with the song "Just Like Heaven" by The Cure and Katie Melua and Taking Back Sunday right now. Haha yes, I'm in love with all three versions. They've been showing Just Like Heaven on HBO and I just can't not watch it everytime. Haha I'm such a girl.

I really, really, really wanted to see Tyrone Wells perform at the Troubadour tonight but I had no one to go with *tear*. It's your fault Pam. Haha. Did you know he was UCLA graduate? Apparently my sister "knew" him before I did. Ugh wutever. I think I'm in love with him.

I bought the first season of Grey's Anatomy and after I finished watching it I couldn't wait to get season two. So I rushed to Walmart because I figured that's where it would be cheapest but it was $48. Mayn. I really need a job. Obviously, I didn't get it. I'd just have to wait till my birthday or sumtin. *sigh*

So, I think I've thought it through. I'm not gonna take it. Long story. But I really have thought it through. One might say I've wasted all this time, you know, one minute thinking I want one thing but then the next minute I don't, and just completely not knowing what I want in life blah blah blah. But I disagree. I think I really needed all this time to figure out what I want and where I see myself in the future. I think I'm pretty confident with my decision. Okai, scratch the "I think" and "pretty". I'm confident with my decision. I hope.

My room is going through a major renovation. Well, not really. I'm just putting new furniture to make it look like how I wanted it to be in the first place. I'll post pictures when it doesn't look like a trash dump in here anymore.

David and Rona, just get it over with and have sex already. Haha no? Just me? Okai.

I miss you roomie. I'm sad I don't know what your blogs mean anymore. Like at all. Well, except for "Maybe next time." Haaaaha.

I miss Liwanag and PASS people. I shall come back soon when all this job hunting madness ends.

Can I just say that Jury Duty can suck my ass?!?! Jury Duty can suck my ass!!! I have other important matters in life that I need to deal with than go to this. Ugh I'm so annoyed.

I think I should sleep now.

I'm good. Better than last week. I can almost see the light.

Praying for everyone who's going through stuff. It all works out in the end. Just trust.

I should really listen to myself more.

i am meechy keen: my cpr partner was hot
buthafly: u can save lives now
i am meechy keen: i'll try
buthafly: bwhahaha did u get to save his life
i am meechy keen: he saved mine
i am meechy keen: bwahahah

nnnnyyyyyaaaawwkkk hahahahaha i love my roommate.

I was feeling a little nostalgic the other day. It's amazing how so many changes can happen in just one year. I just wish life was as fun and easy as it was a year ago.

Don't we all just wish that life could go from harder to easier instead of the other way around, so that the hardest part would be over before the easy part begins? Everyday I feel like I'm faced with making decisions that could make me or break me. Why can't it just, I don't know, make me? I don't think I've ever been so confused in my entire life until now.

I love how I have all the time in the world to watch tv now. I never had the time to watch tv all throughout my four years of college. I'm trying to catch up with the Grey's Anatomy hype since I never had the chance to watch it on Sunday nights because of PASS meetings. Can I just say that I think Dr. Bailey is my favorite character in that show. She's such a strong and smart woman that they seem to make her imperfections still so admirable. Man, she's super cool.

Pam, you will be missed greatly. I'm so proud of you taking this big step in your life. You are a brave one. I love you. And as you would say, "Goodbye forever." Haha jk e-mail us and I promise I'll e-mail back.

One would think that since I am "in between jobs" right now that I would just be sitting on my ass all day everyday. But I surprisingly find something to do somehow. Well, kind of. Like last week I was practically in Irvine the whole week. Thanks Pelican Bay and Laguna Hills townhome (wow you guys should have a name foreal) for your hospitality. This past weekend was supposed to be eventful but not really. Had fun partying with the Immacers for the past couple weekends though. We should do that more!

Anyways, I need to get started on my arts and crafts project for the Christmas season. I think I'm excited.

You wanna know what's ironic? The ball's in my court, but I need balls.

I need direction.

I need You.

Prayers please.

Moving down the highways of my life
Making sure I stay to the right
So I can't be concerned with the other side of the road
Reading all the signs along the way
Knowing what I am by what they say
My destination's closer day by day
So I can't be concerned with the other side of the road

"Maybe pain is there for a reason." - Dr. Bailey from Grey's Anatomy

Thank You for answering my prayers. Now, I need Your guidance.

As I promised ten million years ago, here are some pics of my whole summer. I repeat, these are just SOME pics of my summer. It would take me forever to post all the goodtimes pics of these past couple months. Enjoy. Yay summer '06!

Move out day  

Mass on the Plaza '06 

Hapburdy Rona! 

High school crew back in action  

Beach day 

Goldilocks and Red Ribbon day of fun! 

GSA RA trip to TJ and SD (yes, you too roomie)