Feeling bleh. But trying to smile. I have a lot of shtuff to do this week so hopefully all this shtuff can take my mind off things.

Let's try to blog happy thoughts...

Sooo this weekend was gift shopping for people with sister. I thought I was gona spend ten million dollahs for gifts alone...but I ended up saving a lot. Yay for a smart shopper! It sux coz I didn't even buy anything for myself. But its okai, I like buying people gifts that I think they love. I hope.

Saw my cousins again. I love seeing them even for just a little whoile. They make my heart smile =).

Tita Ruth's surprise was fun...makes me happy to see people happy. She had no idea and she cried aww haha. Fun videos were the highlight of the party waahaa.

I'm gona close this with a forward I got from a friend. It's kinda what I'm going through right now. I'm not twenty-something yet but I could already feel it coming. Maybe most of you people will agree.

"Being Twenty-Something"

They call it the "Quarter-life Crisis." It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are many things about yourself that you didn't know and may not like. You start feeling insecure and wonder where you
will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now.

You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met. What you don't recognize is that they are realizing that too, and aren't really cold, catty, mean or insincere but that they are as confused as you.

You look at your job... and it is not even close to what you thought you would be doing, or maybe you are looking for a job and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and that scares you. Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and are constantly adding things to your list of what is acceptable and what isn't. One minute, you are insecure and then the next, secure.

You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly, change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life, but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away, and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward.

You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you. Or you lay in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough that you want to get to know better. Or maybe you love someone but love someone else too and cannot figure out why you are doing this because you know that you aren't a bad person. One-night-stands and random hook ups start to look cheap. Getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic. You go through the same emotions and questions over and over, and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision. You worry about loans, money, the future and making a life for yourself… and while winning the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender! What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it. We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out.

It's hard to live each and everyday without seeing You. How am I supposed to see the purpose if I don't acknowledge You? I never realized how hard it is to hold on. I never realized how vulnerable I can be until I couldn't see. Everyday, I run farther and farther away until I get to the point where there is nothing. I need You right now. I can't go on pretending to be someone I'm not. It breaks my heart when I pray and realize that I haven't been the person You want me to be. I've been struggling, and I keep on falling. I don't know where I'm going.

I hate feeling worthless. I hate feeling like a failure. I hate hating.

I'm sorry for not making you smile. I'm sorry for whatever I've done to make you unhappy. I can't be happy when you're unhappy. I'm sorry.


Sorry for my sad and random blog. I try not to blog about sad stuff but sumtimes it's my only way of letting it out. I have fun stuff to look forward to though. I mite go home again this weekend! I think that's fun stuff coz I like going home these days. Makes me happy to see my family. It's weird how I used to not want going home becoz I'd rather have fun with friends. But now my family's been my source of happiness, comfort, and strength. I love them all and I'm very thankful for their presence in my life.

I have one last random thought! It's kinda sad how sometimes the highlight of my day would be when I'd be watching my favorite shows like F.R.I.E.N.D.S, American Idol, and The OC. It shows how fun my life really is!

Have you ever had that feeling of unworthiness, helplessness, and guilt all at the same time? Story of my life.

I wana quit.

outlet stores for two weekends in a row...camarillo and citadel...woohoo. finally got the pointy shoes i want woohoo.

so ive been home every weekend now. its weird how i like going home a lot now. i miss having funtoimes with the family. been spending a lot of toime with my lola and my cousins too. i luv chillen with them. it's always full of laughs and food. always a good combination.

it jus sux sumtimes when i have to choose betweeh friends and family. coz i know ill always choose family. which sux too coz i wana spend time with friends too. i feel rilly bad when i cant please everyone. somehow i just feel the need to make everyone happy. ionow. im odd. oh well. sux to be me.

Once again...i jus wana say...
THANK YOU SOOOOOOOOOO MUCH TO EVERYONE WHO CAME TO THE PARTY THURSDAY NITE! EVEN THOUGH THE LINE WAS WAY TOO LONG I RILLY APPRECIATE ALL YOU GUYS WHO WAITED AND PAID TO GET IN. :HUGS: FOR EVERYONE!

So today, I thought it was gona be a bright, bright, bright sun-shiny day rite...for WAYZGOOSE (UCI Open House). But nooooooo. They decided to make it rain and get me all soaking wet on my way to school for our WYSE booth. So I got there and turns out its cancelled. So great. Packed up, left, walked back to my apartment, got to my apartment door with my jeans dripping, and realized that I lost my keys. Awesome. Can you believe it?!? ME losing my keys?!? I don't lose things!!! No, I didn't cry. I didn't even panic. I was way pissed to feel any other emotion. So in the pouring rain, I traced my way back to where I passed on my way to sch, went back to where our booth was at, went back the any other place I stopped at, and found my keys! If I hadnt asked people if they saw my keys I wouldn't have gotten it back. Whew. Lesson of the day: Ask and you shall receive. Seek and you shall find.

THANK YOU SOOOOOOOOOO MUCH TO EVERYONE WHO CAME TO THE PARTY THURSDAY NITE! EVEN THOUGH THE LINE WAS WAY TOO LONG I RILLY APPRECIATE ALL YOU GUYS WHO WAITED AND PAID TO GET IN. :HUGS: FOR EVERYONE!

For those who couldn't come you missed out. You all suck.

JK! I still like all of you! But you bettah have a good excuse for not coming.

Types of people that bug the hell out of me:

1) The notorious seatmate who sit next to in class who move way too much, hog ur personal space, tap their foot on ur chair, or don't shower.

2) People I watch tv or movies with, who say the lines out loud or predict what's gona happen b4 it happens

3) Those who think they know everything and everyone before anyone else, making them feel "in" or cool or better than everyone

4) Anyone who immediately associates someone who has a lot of faith as someone who is narrow-minded

5) The Dirty Ho...not like that. Those who are unsanitary or jus messy or unclean

6) Those who think the world revolves around them

7) Being too dependent and needy

8) Extreme PDA

9) Those who can't go clubbing tonite


What's ironic is that I prolly am one of these. Scary scary thought.

I can think of so much more to put in here but I don't wana sound too mean.

Yes, it's that time of the month again ladies.


Last plug I promise...

WHAT: Clubbing night/Fundraiser party for my mentoring group called WYSE
WHEN: Thursday, April 15 doors open at 9pm
WHERE: The Pier in Long Beach...used to be called Live Bait
6251 E. Pacific Coast Highway
Long Beach, CA

Girls are in free before 10:30pm! BE THERE.

Okai so I'm gona be posting this over and over and over again until all of you get it. That's right you bettah get it!

WHAT: Clubbing night/Fundraiser party for my mentoring group called WYSE
WHEN: Thursday, April 15 doors open at 9pm
WHERE: The Pier in Long Beach...used to be called Live Bait
6251 E. Pacific Coast Highway
Long Beach, CA

Girls are in free before 10:30pm! BE THERE.

Chelle on my lamp that I just started using by my bed: "Oooh tha's so cool. I wana read now."

So my spring break was technically from Friday night till Sunday night. It was kinda weird how I really, really, really wanted to go home so bad. Maybe it was coz I was all by myself in the apt for a couple days and that wasn't very fun.

Before I forget...

APRIL 3, 2004HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO THE OLDEST SISTER IN THE WORLD! YOU'RE TOOO OLD SIS. ION'T UNDERSTAND WHY YOU STILL CELEBRATE YOUR BIRTHDAYS. GEEZNUTS. JK MWAH I LOVE YOU.

So Saturday was filled with family parties. Well, just two. That's too much for me though.

The first one was Nanay Tala's 80th surprise luau. That was fun coz counsins n everyone was there. Too fun when titas started dancing. WAAHAA cute.

The second one was this family friend party, who I do not even know, and I was just dragged by my mother to come (since my sister partied with her old friends and I couldn't really go party with them, I was kinda stuck with my mother). I was kinda entertained by the people singing the magic mic while getting drunk though. So that was cool. Left at around 2am coz parents were jus having so much fun with their peoples. Didn't wana ruin it for them so I just tried entertaining myself and called some peoples.

Sunday was church, Pat & Oscars, Michaels, Best Buy, and Loemans with sister. Yes, I am officially broke. Time to work more hours.

So I didn't really get to see old high school friends this spring break. That sucked. But it's okai coz I had good quality time with family and that's what I missed the most.

Today's the first day of spring quarter and I think I'm gona have funtoimes with my Advertising and Marketing classes...I hope. I'm just praying that I don't get stuck with not-so-cooperative teamates for the group projects that's worth half my grade or else.

Man I thought I would have written a funner post. Oh well, sux to be me. Will blog more later.

OOHH okai so I'm inviting YOU, yes YOU to a fundraising event for WYSE (mentoring group). Here's the info so far:

When : Thursday - April 15, 2004
Where: The Pier in Long Beach (Used to be called Live Bait)
Time: At night! Free before 10pm I think?

So you better come coz everyone who's anyone will be there. I'll post more info later when I have it. YOU BETTER COME OR ELSE...ionow. Okai fine if you come, I'll have a surprise gift for you!

So much crap to do at work. I think they finally realized that I don't have enough work to keep me busy. Man!

Yes, it's over. I didn't like that final at all. Grrr. Wutever, it's over and that's all that matters.

Friday noite was party noite. I think it's funner to party without being intoxicated. You get to laugh at other people being stupid.

Thanx..once again...for taking me home Saturday. You never fail to entertain me. Well, actually u do sumtoimes but it's all gud.

So my spring break's kinda over after today coz im gona be working. Man, I suck like a duck. Oh well. I need the money.

I think I should take this toime to organize my whole loife. Payce.

I just realized that whenever I have to study for something big (finals or midterms), I tend to have this cleaning disorder where I have to clean the apartment, or my room, or whatever I can clean right before I study. Dang I'm special.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY PAULA ANDREA PAZ TAYAG! UR TOO OLD TO HAVE BIRTHDAYS! MWAH I LOVE YOU CUZ!

Thanx for the visit...again...and it's not ur fault that I'm tired. That's my fault. Still not failing to bring me good junk. Good stuff good stuff. Thank you!
Oh, and Rona wants to give u a great big thank you for the foodrun. She's special like that.

One final down, three to go.

C'mon everyone we can do this! Study study study now so you can party hard later! And as my nerdy sister says, there's no such thing as luck, but there is such a thing as effort. Sooooooo...BEST EFFORTS TO EVERYONE THIS FINALS WEEK! And for those who are done with finals, boo to you all. JK I still like all of you.

BELATED HAPPY BIRTHDAY PAM! I had fun at ur party...and everyone else that I brought yaaay.

Gross toimes at the parking lot though. Bleh.

Now it's time to study hardcore. Like grrrrr.

I had a shitload of shit due last week...which meant crankiness to the max. I didn't even go to Liwanag meeting because I thought I would get stuff done...but I didn't. Shoo. I should've just gone. But I got through it and it wasn't as bad as I thought. Well, except for my econ midterm. Pshahaha.

Thursday was PUSO's high school outreach and I wasn't feeling very woohoo about it for many reasons. But when the students started coming I got over it. "We're going to Miami, we're going to Miami, we're going to Miami...Metroids!" Pwaha. My kids Rudy, Sha, Vince, and Julianne were awesome. GREAT BIG THANK YOU to Mars n Mark for being honorary Metroids...it would not have been as fun if you guys weren't there to help me out.

Friday was a field trip to Planned Parenthood with my WYSE girls. Even though it was a short one, I thought it was a good field trip. Very educational. Haha.

Some questions that the girls had:
"What is this for?" *holds up lubricant*
"Why do condoms have flavors?"

It's rilly an awesome resource and not a lot of people realize that. Check it out if you have toime -->
Planned Parenthood

friday nite...party-ed for a bit.

Saturday sister picked me up and we headed to Paul's Place (thanx Cristina for directions) then headed home to LA. Went with sister to her hiphop class (bwaahaa that was funtoimes), took a shower, headed to the mall to buy cousin's gift, then went straight to church. Black Angus for dinner coz it was my parents' anniversary on the 10th! Yay! My sister surprised them with a trip to vegas for 3 days with a hotel suite n everythaang. Of course my mom had to take all the toiletries (did I spell that right?) and errthing else she could find in there. I'm happy they had fun.

Sunday was lunch at lola's. Mmmmm food. Chilled with cousin. Awww I love my cousin. Shampoo shampoo snake snake! BWAHA.

It feels so much better to let go of the negativity. Makes me feel lighter and more carefree. I love it.

Fun-filled weekend:

- Spirit Rally was awesome. I wanted to stay so bad...but couldn't. But I know it was funtoimes all the toime. Yay liwanag! Yay Jesus!

- HAPPY BIRTHDAY COOL FARTNAH AND MELISSA! You guys looked amazing.


This week is hecticness all over. Paper, project, midterm, high school outreach, mother. Just when my day was starting to get better, she just ruins everything for me. *frustrated/mad/about to cry face*. I would blog more about it but I wana stay away from posting all the negativity for a while.

Happy Thoughts:
- free food (thanx ng =D)
- beautiful weather
- chilltoime
- more free food

I hate it when I feel mad for some reason. I hate it when I feel the bitterness. I hate it when I feel resenment towards people. I hate it when I hate.

There was a point when I felt I had so much hate inside me. It wasn't a very good feeling because it only made me feel worse. Whenever I catch myself feeling angry and furious about sumtin, I disappoint myself and almost feel guilty for having those emotions. I don't like feeling that way and I try hard not to, but then I'm only human and it takes a lot to stop it. Venting seems to be the only way to let it out, but sometimes it only makes it worse. I ask Him to make me stronger, to give me the strength to be more understanding. I ask Him to take away all the hate I have in me so that I would not feel the heaviness I have in my heart. I ask Him to be with me...and forgive me.

Man I used the word hate ten million times in this post. I know hate is a strong word...and so is love. And you know...you can never rilly hate someone you don't love.

Happier blog will come soon! I hope.

I've been wanting to blog about this but I haven't been feeling blogg-y lately. But neways, two weeks ago in Liwanag we were talking about stuff that we would give up for lent. And my awesome family sister Vanessa said sumtin that made me think about my actions. She said sumtin like... it seems that everyone is always giving up this, or willing to stop doing that, blahblahblah. Wouldn't it be better if instead of "not doing" sumtin or "giving up" sumtin, everyone should "do sumtin"? Am I making sense? I thought it made perfect sense. People are usually focusing on the things that they would stop doing for lent. Well, what good will that do exactly? Wouldn't it be better if people actually DO sumtin that would make a difference? Just a thought.

Watched The Passion of the Christ with practically everyone last night after Ash Wednesday mass. It kinda weirded me out how they kinda made the movie kinda scary/creepy/suspense-y in the beginning. I guess it's just to set the mood for the movie. But that's not the important part neway so it doesn't rilly matter. I'm not very good with words, and I rilly don't know how to express the feeling I had after watching the movie. Let's just say if I was watching the movie by myself, I would be crying from start to finish. It did not seem like I was just watching a movie. It seemed like I was there to witness it and see the sacrifice He went through for me. I couldn't bare witnessing every single beating and torture. It was as if I wanted to tell them to stop but I couldn't. I guess I never fully realized His love until I saw all of that. It made me question even more why I deserve all that I have.

So newaysssssssssssssss...

I finally did the STD (now called STI or Sexually Transmitted Infections) class for my 6th-7th grade girls yesterday. My partner Fernanda and I prepared for that thing the whole saturday and I'm glad it turned out good. Yay for us! Thanx to Irene who helped me out when Fernanda had to leave. It was nice to see all the mentees have fun with the game we played. Even my shy little mentee was participating and I was rilly excited for her! It was just funnie how after hearing all about the scary stuff about STI's and how you can get them through their "partners", one girl asked "So we can't even hug?!?!?!" That was fun.

Wow this has been a perty long blog. And I thought I wasn't in a blogg-y mood. That's all I have to say for now. Been tired lately as usual so I may seem down n out sumtimes...but I guess it's coz of stress. And bitterness. Which I rilly should work on starting today. It's rilly hard when you're the bitterest person in this world. Aahhhh ionow. I need to stop. I need to let it go. I don't know how, but I'm asking for strength. That's all I'm asking.

Friday night breakdown:

- Interfaith props making session
- chilltoime at neighbor Kayleen with everyone
- Mardi Gras
- more chilltoime

TIRED.